Chapter 14  

Lee JiHan

When I regained my sanity, what caught my eye was the sink full of ashes. I turned on the faucet and let the water wash them away, watching as the pictures and the letter I’d burned disappeared down the drain. Now, all that was left was the teddy bear. It was not something that would burn easily, so I grabbed the scissors and a knife and placed the teddy bear on top of the cutting board. With the knife, I chopped off the arms and legs of the bear, then I cut up the separated pieces with the scissors until they were nothing but shreds. I lit the pieces on fire in the sink where they soon burned to black. Watching the fire with clenched fists, I shook with rage.

My brother is gay...my brother is gay?!

Soon, the fire in front of me had faded, but the fire inside me was still burning hot. My anger would not subside. I washed away the burnt remains of the teddy bear and headed to the bedroom. The moment I lay on the bed, my head spun, and I felt nauseous. I was drenched all over in a cold sweat.

My brother is gay...my brother...

Unable to believe the truth, I shook my head. Suddenly, a seed of doubt planted itself in my mind. What about Na AhJung? And the marriage with Na AhJung, why is he going through with it? If my brother is gay, why is he so determined to get married to this girl? This thought gave me hope, and I stood back up. Is there a chance my brother changed his preference after meeting Na AhJung? Is Na AhJung’s charisma powerful enough to change the mind of a gay man?

“Damn, there’s no way that’s true,” I said out loud. I lost the small shred of hope and fell back down defeated.

Even though Na AhJung had gained two more points than when I had initially met her, she was still only a negative 197 point type of girl. There is no way that girl could do what God couldn’t and flip someone’s sexual preference. Pounding at my stifled heart, I sighed. I knew something was strange. Why would my brother marry a girl like that in the first place? There had been no logical explanation.

But the fact that my brother is gay....I’d rather try to understand the marriage.

My brother was not in love, he had just needed a bride to fit his needs, and that had been Na AhJung. She was the daughter of our mother’s friend so he could easily get mother’s approval, and he had been a long-time friend of hers also, so he could live with just the attachment of friendship. Plus, this girl won the lottery with this marriage so he wouldn’t feel as guilty about it. My life’s greatest mystery finally seemed to have found an answer, but it was not a reassuring one. Instead of being relieved, I felt more devastated.

But if that is the case...if that is the case, does this marriage make sense? I remembered all the times that AhJung had shown me her desperate love for my brother. For my brother, she had kneeled in front of me and had done everything I had asked. This girl doesn’t know anything...how can they continue with this scam wedding? JiKyung, are you this kind of person?

My perfect brother. Gay, but pretending not to be. Not loving that girl but pretending he did. He had fooled me, our mother, and AhJung with this unimaginable secret. I moaned in grief as my world crumbled around me. Devastated, I closed my eyes and tried to empty my mind of this new-found knowledge. I wished I could erase it.

A long while later, from far away, I could hear the front door opening loudly. I heard hurried footsteps that could only be Na AhJung’s and without any sense of wariness, opened my eyes slowly. Na AhJung ran directly to the bedroom and burst through the door.

“Did you...did you perhaps see a package? Was there one?” AhJung asked, huffing for air in the middle of the room.

“What package?” I replied uncomfortably.

“Uh...DaeChul sunbae said he left something...” Na AhJung looked around the room as she answered.

“Did that jerk say that? That he left something here? To go check it out?!” I shot up infuriated.

So that package was left there so AhJung would see it? So that she would be shocked by it and cancel the wedding?! My head was about to explode like a volcano, but seeing Na AhJung’s wide, fear-filled eyes made me shake my head in denial.

“No, JiKyung texted me. That he...DaeChul sunbae... left something in front of the house. But he said I was not supposed to open it.”

Na AhJung’s face looked as if she would follow whatever my brother requested of her.

“My brother...” I began, but my head fell weakly.

“Did you see it?”

At Na AhJung’s question, I shook my head. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do.

“Oh! That’s a relief. JiKyung said that DaeChul sunbae started some sort of business or whatever. He left the package there and told us to send him money. He’s probably trying to scam us again. It’s like a ‘we come to you’ type of pyramid scheme...” Na AhJung believed my brother without a shred of suspicion. “So, if you see some package, don’t open it! If you open it, we can’t return it. If you do see the package, don’t open it and give it to me. I will go return it.”

She looked determined to do what my brother asked of her to the extent that she even persuaded me. Foolish girl. Burdened, I felt like I was being crushed by a ton of bricks. I lay back down moaning.

“Mister? Are you sick?” Na AhJung approached the bed, suspecting something was wrong. “Your face...even your ears are red. Do you have a fever?”

Na AhJung kneeled next to the bed and examined me. Unable to face her, I turned away.

“Get out,” I said.

“If you tell me how and where it hurts, I can get you some medicine,” insisted AhJung.

“You getting out of here is medicine.” Na AhJung’s goodwill made me uncomfortable, so I coldly cut her off.

“Then...I’ll leave. I’ll prepare dinner, so get some rest, and if you need anything, you can call me. You can just blow the whistle if you want,” Na AhJung said carefully in a defeated voice.

I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for Na AhJung to leave.

***

Na AhJung

I was just about to enter the movie theatre after buying a new ticket when JiKyung called me. That jerk Lim DaeChul had sent another email to him saying he left something in front of the house. Thanks to him, I couldn’t even get a refund, and I ran like a maniac back to the house. Just my luck. I was hoping to see something good for once.

“I just wasted my money on the ticket,” I muttered as I threw away the ticket in the kitchen trash can. What’s up with Lee JiHan though? How sick is he? I could tell he had a fever, but there was no way to find out what other symptoms he had. Did he get a cold all of a sudden? Well, I know for sure that he is sick, so I’ll make him some porridge.

First, I took out my phone and sent a message to JiKyung. Contrary to what his email had said, DaeChul sunbae hadn’t left anything. I also asked JiKyung what porridge would be best to give the sick JiHan. A few moments later, JiKyung sent a reply.

[Don’t bother.]

JiKyung’s reply also included some hotel restaurant’s contact and map.

[JiHan likes this restaurant. Feed him the porridge from here. Abalone porridge will do.]

Porridge is not even a fancy dish, but he goes all the way to a hotel to buy this simple thing? Don’t you just boil water with rice? Vegetable porridge with vegetables, abalone porridge with abalone. I can make that much! And if a person is sick, especially if an in-law family member is sick, wouldn’t it be inappropriate for the sister-in-law to not move a finger and instead go buy the porridge? Especially when living together?

“That wouldn’t be right, not at all,” I said to myself, shaking my head.

A few moments later, I looked up the abalone porridge recipe on my phone and left the house to go grocery shopping.

***

It was my romantic fantasy to cook porridge for someone when they were sick. I had always hoped someone would do that for me if I was sick. While pouring out the abalone porridge into a bowl, for an instant, I was a bit jealous of Lee JiHan. I had made it, but I was jealous of him for being able to eat it. I wish someone would make me porridge.

Living with my stepmother after my mother had passed away, I’d never been able to experience such love. Whether it rained or snowed, whether I was sick or healthy, I was nothing but a ghost who inhabited their living room.

Swallowing my jealousy, I placed the bowl of abalone porridge on a tray with a spoon and a cup of water. After placing the three things nicely on the tray, I took it to the bedroom. I knocked, and then slipped into the room and helped JiHan sit up.

“You looked sick, so I made you some porridge.”

At my words, Lee JiHan took his feet off the bed.”

“No, you don’t have to get up. Just eat comfortably on the bed....”

“I don’t like food smells getting into where I sleep,” Lee JiHan replied coldly.

“Oh, okay. Then we should leave. I’ll leave. You should come to the kitchen.”

With the tray still in my hand, I backtracked out of the room. Lee JiHan’s calm voice followed me. “I’ll come out once I change clothes.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll leave this on the table then,” I replied, heading to the kitchen.

It was strange, JiHan’s attitude toward me was different. If he hated the smell of food where he slept, how come he didn’t reprimand me for bringing it in? Lee JiHan usually attacked me like a hyena when there was even a hint of something he found unpleasant, but he just let it go without a single criticism. Is he just too weak right now?

After putting down the abalone porridge, spoon, and water cup, I returned the tray to its original place. Then, I cleaned all the kitchenware. A few minutes later, I turned around after completing the dishes to find Lee JiHan watching me from the kitchen entrance. I jumped in surprise upon seeing him.

“Oh, you scared me! When did you get here?” I asked, flustered.

I wasn’t sure why, but Lee JiHan looked at me weakly with sad eyes.

“Why is your expression like that? Are you really ill?” I asked because I was worried, but Lee JiHan turned his head away from me and sighed. What’s going on?

I frowned, thinking something was definitely strange as Lee JiHan walked to the table. Even though his expression looked like he was dying, he must have had some energy because he grabbed the spoon in front of him. If he’d had the energy to change his clothes, of course, must have the energy to lift a spoon. But, if he can do that, then how come he doesn’t have any energy to criticize me? His hands and feet seem to be okay. Is there something wrong with his brain?

Examining Lee JiHan here and there, I sat down across from him. JiHan scooped half a spoonful of abalone porridge and put it in his mouth. Soon, he spit out the empty spoon. He still looked sad, but now his expression held some anger.

“I really was going to tell you nicely,” Lee JiHan said quietly. “But did you make this to feed me porridge or to kill me?”

“What? Does it taste bad?” I asked, surprised.

“For goodness sake, even in this situation, I don’t think I can lie! What is this combination of fishy and oily? How could you give a sick person something like this to eat!”

“I put in a lot of effort into making that...I must really have no knack for cooking,” I said sadly.

After seeing my depressed look, Lee JiHan seemed to regret what he’d said and closed his mouth. Then with both hands covering his face, he sighed. He must regret leaving me to cook dinner. But I still had a wild card left. Unfazed, I got up from my seat.

“But! You will like this!”

I hurriedly went to the stove and opened the other pot that did not hold my version of the porridge. It was the one from the hotel restaurant that JiKyung had recommended. I’d bought it in advance, just in case I failed. It was a good thing I did.

I poured a new bowl with the Korean restaurant’s abalone porridge and walked confidently to Lee JiHan. I was assured of my success this time.

“I bought this from the hotel’s Korean restaurant that you like.”

I put the new bowl of abalone porridge in front of Lee JiHan, but for some unknown reason, he looked forlornly at the new porridge.

“Why...why? You don’t like it?” I asked, disappointed.

“It’s not that. I just don’t feel good about it.”

“Huh?”

“You don’t have to worry about me to this extent,” Lee JiHan muttered with a defeated expression.

What? What the heck did I just hear right now?

“What do you mean? Of course I should worry, of course! You are JiKyung’s most treasured younger brother.”

“You don’t have to be good to me for my brother,” Lee JiHan replied dismally.

What is this reaction...

“It’s not because of your brother, it’s for me. If you are happy, then your brother is happy. If your brother is happy, then I am happy. Ultimately, I am being good to you for my own benefit.”

My voice rang out cheerfully like a bell, but JiHan looked even more depressed at this and sighed as if the world was ending.

“My brother...do you like him that much?”

“No, I...” I didn’t know the reason for the question, but I answered him calmly.

That fact that I’d said “no” must have been unexpected, because Lee JiHan looked at me suspiciously. I lifted my hands up to my shoulders, and with my thumb and index finger crossed, I created a heart.

“I love JiKyung.”

JiHan looked at my heart with pity. What is wrong with him? Did his soul get swapped? He used to scoff at me if I did something like this. That’s Lee JiHan. Why isn’t he doing that?

I was a bit taken aback by this reaction that was so unlike him.

In a heavy tone, he asked me, “Can you not love my brother?”