Hey guys! Big developments are happening here! I’m an axe that’s moving up in the world!

So, after the troll died under mysterious circumstances, (Just kidding, ha! I killed him.) I was hit with my experience point reward. And let me tell you, it was 15,000 points! Uh, what? Seriously? No way? It turned out that big guy was a big deal! Plus, I received bonus points!

Congratulations, Axe!You have successfully defeated Brognyr, Lord of the Darkened Forest!

Say

That Troll was nobility? Wow, maybe we should have hashed our differences out while sipping tea beside a fireplace. You know, like proper gentlemen? Oh, I hope murdering him didn’t make him think I was an uncouth American.

Your reward is 7,000 experience points for defeating an Area Lord. (Boss).

Woo-hoo!

Your additional reward is 2,000 experience points for defeating a rare elite.

Rare? There aren’t more trolls in this forest?

Oh, no.Brognyr was the last of his kind.You have successfully committed:You have earned the title: “Destroyer of the Eastern Forest Trolls!”You have earned the eternal enmity of all Trolls everywhere!

Woo-hoo!

You have earned an additional 2,000 experience points for taking no damage.You have earned an additional 4,000 experience points for successfully defeating an elite monster three levels or more above you.Congratulations!You are now LEVEL 13.

Do axes produce dopamine? Because I was just in happiness!

You have received the following skills: [Terrifying roar.][Troll-Regeneration.][Aura.]Congratulations, killer!You currently have 10 unallocated skill points.Would you like to spend them?

Skill points? Hmmm. What can I spend them on?

You can use them to amplify the effects of any skills you currently know.[NOT RECOMMENDED.]You can use them to increase your attunement with the five elemental paths of magic. [RECOMMENDED]. You can use them to increase the effects of any spells you currently know.[NOT RECOMMENDED.]

Wait, just a moment please! Why wouldn’t I want to increase my skills? My skills have been awesome so far! Wouldn’t I want to power them up as much as I can?

Goodness, no!You possess the SS-ranked Trait: [Divinity.] Your skills and mastery of magic will scale up naturally as you level, with no need for any point allocation!Why, you’d be the mayor of silly town if you were to squander any points on such unnecessary things!

Whoa! I don’t want to be the mayor of silly town. That would be awful! I don’t want a desk job. But wait: I’ve been wondering about this for a bit: How can I learn magic if I don’t have any mana points? You say it’s a possibility, but I don’t see how.

Oh, it’s the same way you’ve learned everything else, silly!You simply have to locate someone who has already unlocked the skill trait: [Magic] and do your horrifying axe business to them.It’s nothing you haven’t already done to SO MANY of your unfortunate victims.

Hey! I don’t have any ; I only have worthy opponents!

Of course,see it that way!

Okay, next question: I still have 0/0 mana points, remember? Even if I learned the Magic skill, how would I fuel the spells? That’s a real head scratcher!

As I previously explained, you possess the SS-ranked trait: [Divinity].Mana is a concern for mortal races and the denizens of the Ethereal Realms.With [Divinity], you may cast any level-appropriate spell that you know, with no concern to cost.

Whoa! So, if I knew Fireball, I could shoot fireballs all day if I wanted? And it wouldn’t drain any of my energy in the slightest?

Of course!Really?

Really!

Oh, lemon cakes! Being a divine weapon is awesome! But wait…if Divinity gives me all this power, why do I still have a mortal mana trait?

Think of it as having a vestigial tail.You’re an ascended being, after all.It makes sense that you’d possess a redundant trait or two.

Ohhh, okay! So, my mana bar is basically like my appendix?

Exactly!You’re catching on quickly!

Hurray!

Hurray!Now, going back to skill point allocation, I recommend you pick an elemental path to progress through.

What are my options?

Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Spirit.

I couldn’t help it. I really couldn’t. I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t keep it contained.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

May I ask what amuses you?

Those are the elements from The gods of this world are Planeteers!

I’m afraid I don’t understand.

Uh, it's a story about five ethnically diverse but photogenic kids who were chosen from across the planet to wield the terrifying powers of nature and convince people to recycle more often. It was a 90’s thing.

I don’t understand what you’re referring to, but I assure you that the elemental powers of this world existed thousands of years before these so-called “Planeteers” you speak of—

The power is

I’m sorry axe, we’re currently discussing your skill point allocution, so actually, the Power is

Ha! You said it! you said the thing!

Axe.Would youpick an elemental path of progression?

Of course! What’s the recommended order?

Sky reigns, Fire consumes, Water cleanses, Spirit heals, and the Earth is trod upon.

Say what? That doesn’t make any sense. Earth is last?

It is the least effective to use and the most difficult to control.Practitioners of earth magic are physically robust and make excellent miners and smiths, but their combat efficiency compared to the other elements, is paltry.Outside of its effectiveness for crafting and gathering, it is considered the weakest element by far.

Wow, the people of this world aren’t very bright, are they? What about earthquakes? Earthquakes are terrifying!

Magically generated land tremors are useful for demolition and troop disruption, but ineffective in combat against the other elements. Wind and fire users can fly.Water users can float.Spirit users can attack from virtually anywhere thanks to their [Astral Projection] skill. The other elements possess too many advantages for the earth to overcome.

Oh, gosh! So, no one practices earth magic then, huh?

As I said, it is highly undesirable outside of its use in crafting.

Okay, then. Put all ten points in earth.

?!

What? Is something wrong?

…Didn’t we just go over why youselect the path of earth?

We did, we did. But earth was the leader of the Planeteers. I aspire to be a leader, so earth it is!I don’t understand your reasoning.You're making quite a gamble!

You know what a gamble was? Leveling up Donnel in Fire Emblem: Awakening! But did you know? He was absolutely worth it! He was originally a weak villager from the sticks who was frightened of his own shadow, but over time he became a fearless one-man army! A knight I could trust to watch my back! A true and reliable hero that the children could look up to!

Still, you’re taking a considerable risk!Even success at Fire Emblem is no guarantee that your strategy will succeed!

Do you trust me, appraisal screen?

…You know I do.

Then believe in me! Earth magic will be my new Donnel! Just wait and see! Ten points to earth!

Oh my, this is nerve-wracking!Very well, ten points to earth!Good luck, sir!

Luck is what we make of it, appraisal screen! Luck is what we make of it…

__

Okay, I needed a new meat puppet.

It’s not that I needed anyone’s help to move around. Using my [Root] skill was pretty darn effective in that regard. With it, I moved even faster than I did on two legs. But I’d grown used to having a body again and didn’t want to give it up!

I hope no one thinks I’m being disrespectful to the independent spirit of all hardworking axes. I am not ashamed of my heritage! I needed no man's hand! As the kids would say, I stan for axes! Axes of the world, unite!

I just liked walking around was all.

It’s the journey, not the destination.

The problem was that I didn’t know where I was. Where was the closest human settlement? I had no idea! I couldn’t just dash into town and pick up a fresh new body. I couldn’t even do that back on earth! What I needed now was to exercise a little old-fashioned ingenuity.magic

When I was a small boy, I once asked my grandfather for a sharp knife to play with. He refused to give me one. When I asked why, he said: “Kid: if I just gave a knife to you, you wouldn’t appreciate it very much. sure, you’d be grateful at first, but gratitude quickly fades, and all too often what’s left in its place is

“Gosh, what does that mean?” I asked.

“It means I’m not letting you run around my property with a knife, you sick little freak. I can what’s lurking in your eyes! Now piss off!”

I loved my grandpa. He was always so spirited. Shame about the

He was right too! Something someone gives you is never quite as special as something you make for yourself. I learned that when I rubbed my slinky against the sidewalk and made its edges razor sharp. Oh, I had so much fun in school with that slinky!

More fun than my classmates did, that was for sure.

Yep, it was time to get creative! And I think I knew how…

__

“Hey there, Gilligan, long time no see!” I cheerfully said to my friend’s remains. He looked pretty good for not having a torso!

Gosh, the insects, birds, and other various scavengers sure hadn’t wasted any time taking a bite out of him! Shoo, you silly things, shoo! That partially devoured flyblown corpse is my buddy, not your snack!

Wondering what I’m doing here? I’ll tell you! Even though I’d been ripped free from it by that troll, I still maintained a small link with this body. There were still bits and pieces of me in there that couldn’t be removed with just one pull. Pieces that I believed I could heal if I could just reconnect to them.

It would take a little bit of love, a little bit of luck, some grit and determination, and a fervent desire to commit a little home brewed necromancy. I think I could do it! I was perfectly willing to try!

I sprouted new roots and used them to slowly insert my handle into the rotting meat of Simmon’s waist. Then I grew more roots and sent them deeper into the decaying legs where they found small bits and pieces of the roots that had been there previously, still embedded in the dead nerve endings. Next, I carefully began reconnecting to them. All I could do now was wait and see what happened…

Yahtzee! My new skill, [Troll-Regeneration] was working! Just as I’d hoped it would!

My new roots swiftly connected to the dead ones which then began revitalizing the deceased flesh that they in turn were connected to! New life flooded into Monohon’s decaying lower half. Fresh new muscle began to replace old, necrotized tissue, while also pushing all the nasty worms, maggots, and fly eggs out of the regenerating flesh! Within five minutes, the legs were as good as new!

I hopped to my feet and gave a merry jig! Hurray!

I wonder what anyone would think if they saw an axe embedded into a waist, running around the forest at night. Eh, they’d probably scream and pray for merciful salvation or something. Whatever, I was so happy I couldn't care less what others would think.

By the way, I’d gotten the idea for this when I remembered that a popular trait for trolls in fantasy literature was that they could regrow any body parts they lost. Like a hydra, in order to stop them from regenerating, you had to sear their wounds with fire. If that was so, I figured it couldn’t hurt to give this a try and see what happened.

I’m so happy it paid off! I’m the happiest axe in all the land!

Wait, what was Now something else was happening! My new flesh kept growing and growing. It was now covering my handle! Now it was over my blade! Hey, hold on a moment, I hadn’t planned for this! Knock it off! I just wanted a pair of legs; all of this extra meat was completely unnecessary—

__

“Oh, wow,” I said in a groggy voice as I slowly came to. “What happened? One minute I’m happy as a kite and the next I’m…hey? Am I speaking? Like, actually I have a voice! Why do I have a voice? And why am I listening with Gosh, my head hurts…”

Wait, I have a

I brought my hands to my head(?!) and ran them across my face(?!) down to my neck(?!) and touched my torso(?!).

“Holy macaroni, I have an upper body!” I shouted. “I have The troll-regeneration…it-it built me an entirely new body!”

“Hey, did I always verbally narrate how my life was going or was that something I recently picked up?”

“Bah, never mind that! Where was my real body? My Oh no! Had I committed some sort of sin against the natural order? Well, I mean, yeah, obviously. But was I being for it? I didn’t like being punished for things! It interfered with my ability to have fun! Was this the end of the outrageously amusing adventures of the loveable axe that was me?!”

“But wait! I now hear a sinister rustling in the grass behind me. Gadzooks! What do my new eyes now behold? A ravenous pack of wolf-like beasts undoubtedly attracted to the scent of rotting meat which still permeates the area! They’re baring their fangs at me! The danger I’m in has been amplified considerably! For they outnumber me seven to one, and I have no means by which to defend myself!

Ha, just kidding! Wow, aren’t I a ham?

The first wolf leapt at me, snarling ferociously as it went straight for my throat. Before it could reach me, a mass of midnight black steel burst bloodily from my palm and forged itself into a gloriously large axe that was bigger than my entire new body, which I then swung in a straight line, cleaving the wolf-thing in two, right down the middle.

The two halves of the wolf landed on each side of me and skidded on the ground for a bit before stopping. I then gave my axe a little shake and sent the blood spattering onto the face of the largest member of the pack. He didn’t seem very pleased with what I’d just done.

“Oh, come on! That was cool! You that was cool!” I told him.

I don’t think he agreed with me.