Chapter 860   - Finale: Song Fengyan x Luo Qingqing (8)

Song Fengyan nodded but kept looking at her steadily. He wanted to see her eyes looking at him unguarded. Ever since they met and he found out about their child, Lan Xiyan had made sure that there was a safe distance between them, keeping him at arm's length. It was difficult for him to know what she was even thinking.

When he heard from his sister that Lan Xiyan was willing to disclose to the public about the existence of their daughter, he'd been worriedly sick of her. Even if Lan Xiyan didn't say it, he knew how much she loved acting. It wouldn't be easy for her to give up something she loved doing.

Song Xinji said that Lan Xiyan was prepared to accept the consequences of her action if that would mean she would be able to protect their Little Yunyun. He wanted to help her, but how was he supposed to do it when she wasn't giving him a chance to do so?

So when she did the interview earlier, he rehearsed the speech he would make when she showed up. However, the moment his eyes landed on her, everything was forgotten.

Lan Xiyan made her way up to her apartment, and he followed her shortly. She was so stiff, as if she couldn't be comfortable whenever he was around.

Whenever he paid a visit, he rarely saw her home as Lan Yunru was always being accompanied by her nanny. Today, their daughter paid a visit to the little buns of his cousin and wouldn't be home until he picked her up from there.

Song Fengyan knew that he should be mad at her, but he couldn't find it in himself to blame everything on her. If he had been strong enough to stand up to protect her, Lan Xiyan would never doubt his love for her. It didn't take a genius to figure out the reason why she was keeping him at arm's length, and he understood her.

However, it was hard for him to deny the truth and pretend that he was over her.

Just as Lan Xiyan turned her back on him and inserted her key to unlock her door, he said, "Xiyan, I'm still in love with you," in a low voice.

He heard her gasping, and her body stiffened in reaction, but she kept her back on him, refusing to face him. Song Fengyan didn't need to see her face to know when she was crying. He'd been with her before, so how could he not know her habits?

"Don't. Just don't, Fengyan…" Lan Xiyan rested her forehead against the door while she tried to keep her body steady, but it was hard for her to stop herself from trembling.

Song Fengyan stepped forward and hugged her from behind. Lan Xiyan resisted for a moment, but eventually melted against him as she cried. She'd been calling him Mr. Song to distance herself from him, and this was the first time she had called him by his name.

"I'm sorry, Xiyan. Please don't cry. Let me make it up to you," he murmured to her.

But Lan Xiyan shook her head and covered her mouth with one hand as she tried to muffle her crying, as if it hurt her to hear him confessing his love for her.

"I can't…" she sobbed out, "I can't be with you, Fengyan."

Lan Xiyan wrenched herself out of his hold, turned the key and opened her door. She stumbled inside, trying to get away not only from him but from the weakness— the temptation to beg him to stay with her.

"No, Xiyan, I'll do better this time. If you are worried about my family or Xin Jie, I'll deal with them. Please don't give up like this. I know I was wrong before. I should have protected you better. I should be there for you and Yunyun when you need me," he whispered.

"I'm sorry, Xiyan. If I could undo all the things that happened in the past, I would. Please let me make it up to you this time."

Lan Xiyan buried her face on his c.h.e.s.t while her fists were constantly hitting him. All the feelings she bottled up for a long time— the pain she endured alone while trying to look after their child, the guilt she was feeling whenever she saw him with their daughter, the things she couldn't put in words, not even to herself surged within her.

Song Fengyan refused to let her go and held her close. He held her tighter, accepting all the pain she tried to inflict on him if it would only make her feel better. He couldn't blame her for reacting like this, as he knew she'd made that decision to protect him and Yunyun.

They stood quietly for a time with only Lan Xiyan's sobs could be heard from her apartment. Finally, she pushed herself away and wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

"It's fine, Fengyan." Her voice sounded so hoarse, but she didn't care. "It's not your fault. It was me who made the choice and left you so don't feel sorry about it. I appreciate your help, but I don't think this is going to work.

Song Fengyan's jaw hardened once he realized what the problem was. Lan Xiyan hadn't forgiven herself yet and still blamed herself for what happened in the past.

"You could have just said you don't love me."

"It's not that." She shook her head.

"Then what?" Song Fengyan demanded. "It's not only you who made a mistake, Xiyan. You don't have to take all the blame."

Lan Xiyan took a deep breath and gathered herself. Of course, she knew that. But it was hard for her to forgive herself. She had been a coward and had made not only him, but also their Little Yunyun suffer because of it.

"You might be able to forgive, but I couldn't…" She stepped back and shook her head. Lan Xiyan knew that she needed to come to terms with her guilt and free herself from it, but it was hard, especially when she was looking at him.

"So please let me be for a while. I need to deal with it on my own. You deserve better, Fengyan, and if I want to be with you, I need to face this guilt and fear that are keeping me away from you. Until then, I don't think I deserve to be with you. "

Song Fengyan stared at her tear stricken face.

"I'm here because I love you and I want to fix things between us, Xiyan. I don't blame you for what you did, and I'm grateful that you've done your best to raise Yunyun on your own. I want to share my future with you and Yunyun. Just to let you know, even if you deny me today, I'll come back tomorrow, the next day and the day after that until you change your mind and believe that being with me and Yunyun is more important than the guilt you are feeling right now."

Finally, he walked out, leaving her on her own. He closed the door gently behind him as Lan Xiyan looked at his retreating figure.

All her strength left her body as she collapsed on the floor. She'd been a coward, and she still remained the same.

Song Fengyan looked determined to fix things with her and start anew, but she wasn't ready yet. She wanted to believe his words, but she also thought that he was still far from her reach. How could someone like him fall in love with an ex-stripper like her?